It Was A Dark Day…
…both outside and inside of me. It’s that time when only my sweet taste buds seem to work, and when my sense of smell is heightened. It’s that time when exhaustion and depression seem to join forces to tear this girl down.
But I still put one foot forward and suck it up. I don’t cry much anymore. I am stronger now. Older too, maybe that helps. Maybe I’m not as sensitive, either. Perhaps the dramatic past, that haunts me still, has hardened my heart just the right amount it needed. Or maybe it’s not hardened at all! But conditioned, almost marinated in peace.
Cause I sure do feel at peace now. And I do sleep at night, even though the nightmares wake me up, especially at this time. And it doesn’t help that my Mom works next door, so I still do see her. Not sure she recognized me the last time though, with my hair so short. Because when we were walking toward each other going to our vans, I saw her and she I. There however was no expression on her face, and a dazed smile on mine. It almost felt dreamy. Like we’re both still alive so that’s good! The nightmarish part was her eyes staring at me but without the LIFE I once knew. The energy and love I once knew. Will my Mother and I ever be friends again? I’m not sure. All I know is it’s VERY difficult to see her. still. And now she’s out of the hospital. Apparently, has an eye problem. I heard this from an ex-coworker at Wal-Mart. (I worked there for a number of years, so everyone knows me and my mom.) She said she saw my mom and that something was wrong with her eye, that she’s going in for surgery.
I’m thinking this "eye problem" is from either my brother, Andrew, beating and stabbing her last year, or was it a couple years ago now? (I haven’t talked to my mom since.) or it’s from her crying a lot over her loneliness or childless-ness. Andrew is in the forensics psyche ward (he wasn’t charged with attempted murder but assessed mentally unstable instead and I am estranged from my mom now. So she is alone. I pray for her. I pray for my Dad. I pray for my brother. I know God has them, like He has me. We are His! Nothing more nothing less. And I remember…
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“marinated in peace” - I love it. Very beautiful post, you have a great perspective on your relationship with your mom. God, indeed, has both of you! Hang in there…
That is an amazing story….I pray that some day you will be able to minister to your mom in some way!
I’m so sorry to hear of the tough things you have gone through. You have a great testimony, to keep on going and to feel peace. I’ll pray that you and your mom are able to have a relationship again.
I remember you sharing your story. Very difficult to endure, lots of feelings no doubt buried - like onion layers. But God saw, God knows, he cares about you and your Mum. I pray for perfect timing and his awesome grace to breakthrough.