Today
(or rather yesterday-it’s 5:05am and I haven’t gone to sleep yet
should I even?),
 I was extremely sad for some reason.

I haven’t been able to sleep again…
Last night, I went to bed at: 4am

Maybe it’s because my mom has been parking outside our place.
And
Seeing her vehicle brings back depressing memories.

My new job has the same laminate flooring that my mom has too,
which doesn’t help much.
I do miss my mom sometimes,
but
I can’t.
I shouldn’t.

I’ve been thinking of my brother too.
Everytime I see or hear of boys his age.
I work with a few.
Everytime I see them I think about the potential my brother could have had or could have been.

Why’d he have to stab and beat her???
And then go to prison?

I think it WAS the best thing that happened to him though,
maybe THEY will be able to give him that discipline
I had a hard time giving.

Why did he go crazy on my mom?
Why did my mom go crazy on him?
Oh
the whole situation is stressful and overwhelming thinking of it.
I cry everytime!
I still can not believe that, what I thought could and would happen eventually-because of the way things were going in our family,
did happen!
My family will NEVER be the same again!!!

I don’t even want to have kids.
Because they will not have the traditional grandparents.
It will be VERY sad.
I mean if we were to have kids, it’s not like I can drop them off at a parent’s house.
Or
Get that support when first starting a family.
We literally will have nobody.
And
I don’t want to depend on anyone either.
But
ya,
we, with the way things are going, will probably not have kids.
I just don’t see it in the forecast.
I don’t even know if I want them to be honest.
I helped raise my brother and look how he turned out, right?

We are fostering my brother-in-law,
(this too should be coming to an end,
hopefully next month he can live with his Dad.)
and that’s going ok,
although I think I’ve been a "mom" long enough!
I didn’t even really have a childhood.
I was busy babysitting my brother while my mom worked.
so
now it’s my time to play!

I don’t even know how to anymore, really!
I don’t even know who I am.
I feel as though, since being married,
I have slowly been learning independence.
I WAS sheltered.
So now,
this new job,
well there is a lot of responsibility.
This scares me.
I don’t think I’ve had THAT much responisibility or independence EVER
outside the house/home.
I know the home life!!!
But
I think
THAT is ALL I know!

So this new job,
is stressful
in more ways than one.

I know I am almost 27,
but
at this job
I feel like
I’m 18 again.
I get treated that way too
from customers it seems.
And when
people find out how old
I really am,
they are shocked!!!
I don’t blame them though.
I do act young.
I am only 5 feet tall too,
that may having something to do with it?

At work,
I’m quiet
reserved
I DO NOT multi-task
I can not.
I observe
perfectionize
and do my best.
But
I still feel awkard.
scared.
nervous
misplaced
disrespected
young
unsociable
I am VERY unsociable
BUT
I care
I listen
I suggest
and
try my best ALWAYS.
I’m a hardworker.

SO ya
this job makes me feel
a variety of emotions.

Do you think my IBS symptoms are kicking in?
I sure do.
HA :D

Oh and since I have been so busy stressing over or rather learning about this new job
I have not been around visiting you my friends.
sorry about that.
I really do hate getting behind in your posts.
and
everytime i visit I want to let you know, by commenting, I just have not had the time.
Sorry.

Very sad,
Demara