So I just remembered I had an assignment due tomorrow morning, yikes! I’m feeling really sick right now. Want to barf. Don’t feel like doing this at all. To be honest, I don’t know what I am doing in the Library program. I mean don’t get me wrong I think it would be real nice to work in a library. I just hate the politics of it all you know? Everything has to be just so or else you would suck to work in that environment. I mean i guess I’m still trying to accept what the department head said to me. I was so very discouraged by it that I can still hear her words banging in my head…"Maybe you should really think about this and ask yourself, is this what you really want to do?" Do I really want to work in a library? To help people find what they’re looking for? Will I be able to? When I don’t even visit a library regularly? I only go to libraries about maybe once a year. Scary hey? I love how quiet they are, but since I don’t work in one and do not visit them regularily I feel really scared right now. Why? Because I’m studying stuff that is basically a continuation of what I learnt 4 years ago or so (like I remember anything-thought sarcastically-) I’m finding it really hard to focus on this crap. My  eye disease makes me extremely tired, I guess it doesn’t help that I went to bed so late or should I say early this morning at 4, but ya…I’m doing my best and so far all the assignments I’ve done, I’VE DONE MY BEST ON and thought I did really good on, like A’s and B’s, but ya in reality after getting them back I only just passed AGAIN! Oh the turmoil. I feel like I’m going downhill and rather fast, like I’m on a mountain bike on a mountain, going down the mountain, no hands on the handles just waiting to see where I’ll end up or as what I’ll end up as. I just don’t know what to do about these assignments now that I feel like my best is crap. Oh what a migraine this is. Even if I was not meant to work in a library, WHAT THE HECK AM I SUPPOSE TO DO then? Maybe I can work in a warehouse in order to make all this money back that I’ve invested into STUPID education.

If there is anyone reading this who has not spent money on education purposes, good for you, and for those that have and have received a great job out of it by just scraping by with grades, how is your job now, was it worth it? Is it painful? Church today was about pain. The message entitled: Recycling My Pain and what does God have to say about this all? That he’s given me a choice, "free will" to decide between His blessings or His curses, if I obey Him He’ll bless me (Deut. 1:2-27) awesome, Ok God, am I currently obeying you by choosing to do the library program? Because I’m not sure if I actually see the blessings. Basically, in church today I learnt that no matter what this one thing is true, painful situations draw me closer to God, make me rely on Him more, and help me to help others who are in pain as well.

Do you ever find that is, that it is encouraging to help others who need encouragement when you yourself are discouraged? I know I sure do. But ya all I want is a place I can work (whether that be in a library or not-but for us that extra salary would be ideal-not that I need to work right now, but I want to, somewhere where I’m not going to have panick attacks though. ~sometimes I feel like Moses~) to make the money we need in order to buy a house and start a family then I want to take care of the kids and man (lovely man) and live. It’s so hard to relax right now. You know? To actually live, to rest, to be content and yes I know, it’s God’s will that I in fact be content, so that’s my simple plan right now, that is, at least *trying* to be content in everything but to be honest it’s extremely hard for me. It’s funny though because when I was the only child and lived with my mom, we were poor and yet I was VERY content. Odd but I think the less you have the more you have to be happy with or thankful for.